Humboldt pastor’s anguished speech: ‘Where was God?’

On Sunday night the community of Humboldt, Sask. held a vigil for those injured and killed in Friday’s bus crash, which claimed the lives of 15 people. This is what Humboldt Broncos team pastor Sean Brandow said:

I really wanted to wear a suit but apparently that was 35 pounds ago, so my pants don’t fit. So in honour of Mr. Trudeau I wore my fancy socks but you can’t see them because of my cowboy boots. A real Saskatchewan thing.

I don’t want to be here, I really don’t want to be here, but it’s good that we are.

Friday I didn’t want to go the game, but my kids begged me to go to the hockey game. We travelled up and arrived at the scene shortly after the bus. And walked up on a scene I never want to see again to sounds I never want to hear again. To greet Chris and just feel so lost. And to go the hospital and walk around and just hear groaning and panic and fear and distress and pain, just nothing but darkness. To sit and hold the hand of a lifeless body.

The only part of that Psalm that was just read, for about 15 hours that I heard in my head was: Even though I walk through the valley of darkness. That’s all I heard. That’s it. That’s it. That’s all that went through my head, this is it, this is the valley of death, this is the valley of darkness. And all I saw was darkness. All I saw was hurt and anguish and fear and confusion. And I had nothing. Nothing. I’m a pastor, I’m supposed to have something.

I received thousands of texts. I looked over at Chris and his phone was dead and my phone was dead and we’re trying to give answers. Thousands of texts, ‘heh we’re praying of you,’ ‘we’re thinking of you,’ ‘be strong.’ And we needed those, your families, they needed those texts, we needed to hear those things, that the support was much bigger than me and Chris and the families.

I had understood the support of people and I needed that, and you need that, you family members, you need that, you need to hear that people love you, that people care, that people are praying, that you’re supported, that you are loved, you’ll be looked after in the future. Those are important things. But when it was so dark, I needed to hear from God. And only four times, and that’s all it took — four words from God were bigger than a thousand words from any human being.

Someone reminded me that there’s more to that Psalm than ‘we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.’ You need to finish the statement, someone told me. ‘I will fear no evil because you’re with me.’

And as the Psalm starts, ‘The Lord is my shepherd.’ It took 15 hours of darkness to really understand that I had a shepherd to really understand that I had a shepherd that walking with me. I don’t know if that made it any softer, but it made it better.

When we needed comfort and refreshing and came around the church this morning, it was good to hear from God again. Someone to read a Scripture. I just want to hear from God.

There’s two big questions that get raised when this happens: Why and where? Why did this happen? I would love to stand up here as a spiritual leader and say I have all the answers, but I don’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know why.

The second question is: Where. Where was God? That question has two answers. God is on the throne and God is with the broken-hearted. We know that God is on the throne, Jesus walked this earth, he died, he was buried, he rose again. It says in the scripture that he is now seated at the right hand of the Father, in control of setting up our leaders, putting people in the place where they need to be at just the right time, for just the right purpose, making sure that things line up according to his plan.

I don’t claim to understand how this seems like it’s in God’s control at all, but it is. He’s still on the throne, he’s still God. You know, I asked the question as you look at God on the throne, it’s easy to look at God from a distance but the second part of that question of where is God is that he’s with us.

I’m going to read Psalm 23 again and I want to read another Psalm with you. In Psalm 23 it says: The Lord is my shepherd – he’s mine. ‘I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul. He guides me along the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake and even though I do walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’ The rest of the Psalm continues on and it says we can dwell with the Lord forever.

So where was God?

Another Psalm, written by the man David, just like Psalm 23, who lost more than one son, wrote these anguishing words in Psalm 23 … He also wrote these: ‘The righteous are crying out and the Lord hears them. He delivers them from all of their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. And he saves those who are crushed in spirit.’

How is it that God can be on the throne? What gives him the right? It’s because he walked with us. The bible tells us that we do not have a God that is unfamiliar with what you’re going through. He suffered grief, he has wept, he has been betrayed by a friend, he has felt alone, he has felt lost, he wept in the garden, knowing what he needed to go through the next day. But the fact of the matter is God didn’t stay dead.

Jesus did not stay dead. Jesus himself goes back to Psalm 23, and he says to his disciplines who are listening to him in John chapter 15 verse 13, he says ‘I am the good shepherd,’ and the good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. How do we know that God is with us in our suffering? Because Jesus was here, Jesus went through every bit of suffering before we ever did. We have someone that has gone ahead of us and before us into the heavenly realms and who now sits and intercedes on our behalf — we talk to Jesus, we commune with Jesus, we cry out to Jesus. And it’s in this time that we need a shepherd who has walked through this valley before, that can guide us.

Oh we need Jesus. We need to hear from God.